I saw you today

You were going East, and I was going West. I saw you. I doubt you noticed me. I don't think you know what kind of car I drive. Besides that, even if you did... there's thousands of silver, four door, Fords on the road. But, your car is sort of one-of-a-kind. I was with you when you bought it, remember? Anyway, an old, red, Volkswagon Bug cut you off. I saw you swerve around it. I couldn't see you through your tinted windows. It made me miss you.

Still

It's been a year and a half since she left. I still miss her so much. It wrenches my guts sometimes. Lately, more than ever. I wonder how she is. I wonder who she's with. Mostly, I wonder if she still thinks about me as often as I think about her.

It's an impossible situation. She was the perfect woman for me. She was the worst of all possible choices.

I love her... still.

Smooth Sailing

So far, so good. It's been more than a month since last I tried to self-destruct. That makes my insides feel good. I'm sleeping easily again. Dano moved in to Jeff's old room. It's nice having a room mate. He's not paying rent yet, so I guess he's still technically a guest. But, whatever. Jennifer is still being my girlfriend. She's so very sweet and kind. I wish she'd talk a little bit more. Maybe, actually, I don't ;). I'm getting set to embark on my third step.

So much has happened recently. Almost all of it good.

I had dreams of Amber last night. They were sweet and mellow and I woke up feeling sad. But, the sadness passed. I won't be calling or writing her. There's no reason to. It's just going to have to be ok for me to miss her. This is what it feels like to miss her.

I have a nice life. Thank you.

Sleep of the Just

Last night was nice. I went to the Rush concert with my brother and some of the fellas. The concert itself kind of left me feeling bored. Rush only played shit off their new album, mostly stuff I've never heard. I'm one of those Rush fans that believes everything after Moving Pictures was shit. You know what you call that type of Rush fan? Not a Rush fan.

So, we left shortly after the intermission (yes, there was an intermission.)

My brother dropped me off at my place around 2215. I went upstairs, laid on the couch, and I finished some of my charting, billing, and documentation for the day. And then... I started getting sleepy. Mind you, I haven't slept in 6 days! Well, not more than two hours in a night. Yesterday I was feeling pretty tore up.

In any event, I started feeling sleepy. I thought, "what the hell?", and I lay down in bed. Within two minutes I was down for the count. I woke up in the dark some time later feeling kind of sad that I didn't sleep the whole night through. I went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and I saw the sun coming up over the Sandias. I had made it! I slept through the night! I don't have any clocks in my place, so I didn't know what time it was. I figured, however, that it was early enough to lay back down for awhile, and guess what... I fell back to sleep. I slept until 0715! I felt blissful. Relaxed. Mellow and excited at the same time.

What a difference!

I'm so glad I slept. I was worrying that I might not ever again.

Almost back

I just got back to Antigua after being in Santa Cruz, Lago Atitlan for the past nine (?) days. I had the best time of my life. Seriously.

When I left Antigua a little more than a week ago, I had no clue where I was headed. On the shuttle, I met a really great German guy, Reinhardt, who has been traveling in the part of the world for the past thirty years. He invited me to tag along with him. Good choice!

Shuttle to a water taxi to a village on the North end of the lake. Santa Cruz is possibly the most beautiful place in the world. At least... the most beautiful place I've ever visited. I just stood there on the terrace of the Hotel scratching my head for several minutes trying to figure out if maybe I was still asleep on the shuttle dreaming.

There is no way I'd ever be able to completely summarize my entire trip here. Last night, the last night on the lake, my friend Ellen (another German who lives in Nicaragua) asked me what was the most important lesson I learned on this trip. I think without a doubt, I had forgotten how to have fun. How to smile and waste time and do nothing and do it slowly.

This was a good trip. I'll post pictures later.

Loving you all...

Terrazo al noche

Today was great. It's my last day in Antigua. I got up, again late, and ate breakfast at the coffee shop around the corner. I went for a long walk and did a little shopping. I got my lovely sister a present, and I bought a couple of shirts for myself.

At the South end of the city, I found a really quaint Italian restaraunt. I had a proscieutto and mozzerala antipasto. The food was really great. I made my way back to my hotel. The courtyard of the main church in town is exploding with pilgrims in town for some sort of pre-Easter procession. I wandered around until it got too hot. I went back to my hotel room for a nap. I watched a movie on my computer, The Heartbreak Kid. Can I just say that the movie completely sucked! I was totally embarased for Ben Stiller. I plan on advising everyone I know to never watch that piece of shit.

When I woke up, it was nearly dinner time. I went back to the main church and there were thousands of people there. Some little kid, maybe four or five, grabbed me by the hand and started giving me a tour. I couldn't understand a single word he said, but he was sure full of personality. He wanted me to show him all of the pictures in my camera, and he wanted me to give him an explanation and story about every single one. He thought it was funny that my son was "so old", and he laughed hysterically at every picture of Jeff Cohen. Go figure!

I went to Gustavo's restaraunt for dinenr again, and I had a really nice conversation with a woman from Ireland. She and I made a committment to one another that we would spend more time traveling and less time working. Her work is similar to mine. She was kind of lovely. I wish she didn't have to run off with her friends so soon. I would have liked to talk to her for a little bit longer. Maybe a lot longer?

I walked back to my hotel and went back to the terrace on the roof. I sat alone for a few minutes when a guy came up and joined me. We struck up a really interesting conversation. He is a retired grain-farmer from Alberta, Canada. He and his wife travel around exploring ancient ruins. He's been to Egypt, Stonehenge, and various Mayan ruins. He would like to come to New Mexico and check out the pueblos some day. He had some really interesting perspectives on US politics.

Nights in Antigua are just gorgeous. Perfect weather. Lots of stars.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Lake Atitlan for a few days. I'm not really feeling much like writing tonight, but I know that I'll forget a good deal of all of this if I don't get it down. So, again forgive my horrible grammar. It is, after all, the thought that counts.

Gnight.

Tranquillo

It is my second night in Antigua, Guatemala, and I'm starting to adjust to the fact that my phone and my pager aren't driving me insane. I like it, and I like the people. The city is so lovely, so quaint. Everyone here is friendly. Nobody is telling me their problems and complaints. Tonight it feels as though I'm truly on vacation. I am all alone, and I kind of like it!

I ran into a medical student who is studying at a hospital in Guatemala City. He spoke a little English and I a little Spanish. Nobody here speaks English. I'm glad I speak enough Spanish to get by. If I didn't, I'd be fucked.

This morning I got up nice and late and walked over to the Mercado. It's the biggest, most surreal flea-market you've ever seen. Half indoors, half outdoors. They sell everything. I got a band-aid for the gigantic blisters on my big toe and some socks. Who goes on vacation without taking socks? I must be insane. I also bought a sketch pad, some colored pencils, and a glass of young coconut juice. It was positively delicious.

After wandering around the market for a few hours, I went and got a haircut and shave. The barber was a really nice guy, and he invited me to stay with his family. I suppose I'll find him in a couple of days and take him up on his offer. He lives in a village in the mountains a few miles away.

After my haircut, I sat on the curb and drew a picture of the store fronts. I am no artist, but I'd forgotten how much I love to draw pictures. I must've sat out in the sun for too long because I got a pretty good sunburn on the back of my neck.

There is a coffee shop/ resteraunt right around the corner from my hotel. They have a beautiful patio, and I sat and drank coffee and ate lunch for a little bit. After that, I was ready for a little siesta. I went back to my hotel and dozed off for maybe a half an hour. When I woke up, I walked around again for a couple of hours. I found the main plaza. It's a really nice park with a beautiful fountain in the courtyard of a colonial church. Everywhere I go, there are tons of people. The women here are so beautiful. I wish I had the courage and I knew enough Spanish to approach them, but I'm feeling really shy. Around 4 pm, I started feeling sleepy again, so I went back the hotel for another nap. I seriously must need the sleep.

When I woke up, it was maybe 7 pm, and I was hungry. I went out for a bite to eat. I found a nice little place that had a pasta special for 1.40 USD. The food was so-so, but the owner of the restaurant, Gustavo, was a really nice guy, and he and I talked for a couple of hours. Did I mention that nobody here speaks English? A couple of beautiful gringas walked into the place. I introduced myself to them. They were traveling from Alaska. They had to leave to meet up with some friends, and I didn't really feel like widening my circle of friends, so I stayed on at the restaurant chatting with Gustavo and his lead-waiter who's name I've forgotten.

It's been lightly drizzling tonight. It's so beautiful here. So calm, so tranquil. I feel content and relaxed. It's been a long time since I've felt something other than urgency and stress. I realize that I need to take better care of myself. I need to make the most of this life.

I was feeling very alone and somewhat alienated, but now I just feel serene. It's really nice to know that I can just go up to someone, anyone, and talk to them if I want. Or, I can just be alone. Either way, it's nice.

Today is my ex-wife's birthday. I miss her. It's just about the one-year anniversary of our divorce. I wonder if she's happy. I wonder if she still thinks of me.

After dinner, I came back to the hotel. There is a patio on the roof, and that's where I'm sitting now. I feel good., and my tummy is full. When I'm done writing, I'm going to my room to finish watching Ratatouille. In some ways I really wish I were sharing this experience with someone in person, in other ways I am cherishing my solitude.

Everything smells like wood burning stoves and rain. Guatemala is great. I'll check in again soon. Apologies for the lousy grammar.

Estoy aqui

I landed in Guatemala City as scheduled. There was a bit of a mix-up with the shuttle to Antigua, but I found a ride, and I paid less than what is to be expected for the trip. Guatemala City is kind of a shit hole. Very congested, impoverished, just kind of ugly.

I guess we drove for about a half hour to get to Antigua. It's really cool looking. Everything is just old. There are tons of Mayan people everywhere. The streets are all cobblestone. So much so, that they're kind of hard to walk on. The buildings are packed tightly together. Multi-colored store fronts about 2 feet from the street.

The drivers here are insane.

I went for a walk, and I got totally lost. It started getting dark, and I kind of got a little freaked out. I stupidly didn't get the address to the hotel before I left. I finally got in a cab (a terrifying experience), and he dropped me off in what he thought was the right part of town. Oi! I finally found someone who knew where my hotel was, and he gave me reasonable directions.

My feet are killing me. I have massive culture shock. And, I'm already a little homesick.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Sunport

It's nearly 7 a.m. My flight boards in about 40 minutes. The marquee shows that the plane is on time. That's good. I don't want to sit around the airport waiting.

I'm sort of scared. I have no idea what to expect. For the next 12 days I'll be traveling alone in
Central America. I decided to travel lightly; move about without a shadow. I'm pretty sure I have everything I need. There's money in the bank. I turned down the water-heater. Everything should be fine.


I realize that I've sort of lost myself this past year. A lot has happened. Most of it bad. I really need this adventure. I've forgotten something about myself. I don't know what it is. So, I'm going in search of a reminder. Or, maybe I'm looking for a cue on how I'm supposed to move forward.

I've never lived particularly gracefully. It occurs to me that I'm middle-aged. Realistically, half my life is over. I hope I can do this next part with more gentleness and kindness and purpose.

I'm looking around the airport at a bunch of strangers. The plane is about to board. I'll write again when I'm in Guatemala.

There's a lot to say right now

I don't feel like getting into all of it right now. I need to be at the airport around
6:30 am tomorrow morning.

Once I land in Guatemala, I'll start giving details.

Two more days

It's Sunday afternoon. I'm at home, and I'm catching up on paperwork. I should probably go to the hospital and see some patients, but I can't seem to get motivated. I'm really sick of working every weekend. This weekend, in addition to working, I'm also on call. It's yucky.

I went with Wyndi to a swing dance class last night, and I was asked to leave by the other dancers because my phone kept ringing. I tried to explain that I'm on call, but they didn't seem to care. I stood outside on the corner of Morningside and Central waiting for the class to end. A Ford Bronco with tinted windows pulled up and then drove away. I believe they thought I was a male prostitute. Actually, I could use the money.

I leave on Wednesday morning for Guatemala. I can't wait. I'm not so excited about the trip or about the sites or any of that stuff. What really makes me happy is that I won't have to deal with the bullshit from work for a couple of weeks. Have I mentioned that my job has really sucked lately? It has.

Just to be left alone! To have my pager and phone turned OFF. To not have to deal with a sick patient, an irate family member, a nagging nurse, a greedy administrator. To get uninterupted sleep. Yes, I do need this vacation.

So, I'm definately tired

It's true. I'm serious, I wouldn't lie. Well... not about that.

Work is work. One of my friends likened it to stepping in golden dog-shit. That seems about right. I'd love to have one of those jobs that some people have. All money; no effort. Not that I actually know anyone like that.

I have less than a week until my vacation, and two of those days are days-off. I'm pretty happy about that. I guess. Actually, I think I'm too tired to really be excited. That's alright, right? I'm allowed to come here and bitch and moan about my job. It's what I'm supposed to do.

The rest of my life? It's pretty good. Not too shabby at all.

Trudging right along

After days like the past three, I'm more than ready to get away. My trip is hanging, carrot-like, out in front of me. If I hadn't planned this, I don't think I could find the spirit or the energy to continue working. I am so burnt out.

My life is interesting right now. I don't know that I've ever been quite so single before. Not only am I not dating anyone, I'm not even trying to date anyone. Nobody is on the horizon. Maybe I'll meet a nice Mayan woman. They're a small people; I can fit her in my back-pack.

But seriously... I don't really know what else to think about. My guitar playing is slowly getting better, Jeff Cohen will be back on Wednesday night for a couple of days, the bills are paid (mostly), I got my car fixed so it no longer smokes, Scott is doing great after his surgery. So, life is good, right? I have nothing to complain about, right? I am truly blessed, right? Thank you L. Ron Hubbard!

But, I jest.

I got some stuff

I got myself a backpack, some amphibious, all-terrain shoes, a fleece jacket, some light weight convertible pants, floppy hat, mosquito repellent, and other junk. Additionally, I purchased some books for my trip. I'm going to book a room for a couple of nights in Antigua.

Less than two weeks.

Leap Frog

It's February 29th. I've never considered that before. I lived through 7 or 8 (maybe 9???) leap years, and I've never once noticed it. But, I'm noticing it tonight - or this morning - or whatever.

It was a strange evening. A great, old friend and I got some food at this new noodle joint around the corner from my house. The food was stodgy and boring. I seriously doubt I'll eat there again. We then went to a coffee house by the university to see a mutual friend's kid play in his band. It was sort of an orchestrated experimental cacophony. Really not my cup of LSD. I was hoping the kid's father, my friend, would show-up, but he did not. I've called him a few times, and so far he hasn't found it necessary to call me back. He and his very young bride-to-be are expecting a baby, so I should expect that he'd be a bit on the busy end of things, but it's hard not to take it personally. In fact, I think I will take it personally. So, if you're reading this... fuck you. I'd be happy to tell you that in person or on the phone, but you don't return calls now. How very important of you.

The great, old friend had some girl with him. Apparently she's a lesbian. But, she's into guys. She kept talking about her "wife". However, my understanding is that she is still married to some guy, and they got separated a couple of weeks ago on Valentines Day because he's bipolar. That's just confusing. She sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Hopefully, she's rubbing my friend the right way.

I don't know if this is making sense. It's pretty late, and I'm sure I'll regret having posted this when I read it tomorrow.

"R" is for research

“Caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar” – nos dice el poeta Antonio Machado.

I need to get better acquainted with Guatemala.

I am doing all of my preliminary work online: reading user forums, perusing articles, and watching home-made, amateur travel videos. There's a used bookstore around the corner from my house, and I will walk over there after lunch and purchase a travel book or two.

My concern is morphing into excitement. I don't know that I gave myself an optimal amount of planning time, but there isn't any reason I should concern myself at this point with such matters. I can only move forward... and by forward, I mean southward.

I just spoke with Janelle, and she's going to help me load up my ipod with movies and audio books for entertainment and distraction while I sit in airports and airplanes. I hate sitting in airports and airplanes.

This is really fun to think about, although my headache (I have no doubt, a result of work-related stress and not a malignant brain tumor) has yet to lift. This is all so entertaining. I am realizing that I don't usually have any excitement in my life. That is an unforgivable sin. I'm not going to sit by passively watching the days of my life blend into one another until it's too late. Even while I'm deep into the research for this upcoming quest, I have to admit that the next trip is already beginning to take shape in the back of my mind. Or, maybe that's the tumor.

On the brink of vacation

It's been too long since I've relinquished concern for vocation and occupation and ruminated instead upon the soothing, tranquil notions of holiday and vacation. More than two years, in fact. Earlier today, I abandoned responsibility and booked round-trip tickets for Central America; more precisely Guatemala.

This is new territory for me never having been to Central America, never having traveled alone, never having taken time for adventure and sojourn, albeit briefly, in the primeval rain forests and ruins of the ancient Mayans.

I am excited. I am exhilarated. And, I am scared.

I find myself madly researching and studying the villages and jungles into which I will soon trek. My first stop will be Guatemala City. I need to begin planning. I suppose I'll need a back-pack, some tee-shirts, mosquito repellent, and a toothbrush.

This is me being excited, exhilarated, and scared. And, this is you being jealous!