cleaning

I'm back, I think... But, there's something so wrong.

I'm in a relationship with Annemarie. There's not much to not love about her. Sweet, lovely, honest... I've been with women who were more beautiful but not much.

I'm off facebook. Thank god.

That's all for now.

I saw you today

You were going East, and I was going West. I saw you. I doubt you noticed me. I don't think you know what kind of car I drive. Besides that, even if you did... there's thousands of silver, four door, Fords on the road. But, your car is sort of one-of-a-kind. I was with you when you bought it, remember? Anyway, an old, red, Volkswagon Bug cut you off. I saw you swerve around it. I couldn't see you through your tinted windows. It made me miss you.

Still

It's been a year and a half since she left. I still miss her so much. It wrenches my guts sometimes. Lately, more than ever. I wonder how she is. I wonder who she's with. Mostly, I wonder if she still thinks about me as often as I think about her.

It's an impossible situation. She was the perfect woman for me. She was the worst of all possible choices.

I love her... still.

Smooth Sailing

So far, so good. It's been more than a month since last I tried to self-destruct. That makes my insides feel good. I'm sleeping easily again. Dano moved in to Jeff's old room. It's nice having a room mate. He's not paying rent yet, so I guess he's still technically a guest. But, whatever. Jennifer is still being my girlfriend. She's so very sweet and kind. I wish she'd talk a little bit more. Maybe, actually, I don't ;). I'm getting set to embark on my third step.

So much has happened recently. Almost all of it good.

I had dreams of Amber last night. They were sweet and mellow and I woke up feeling sad. But, the sadness passed. I won't be calling or writing her. There's no reason to. It's just going to have to be ok for me to miss her. This is what it feels like to miss her.

I have a nice life. Thank you.

Sleep of the Just

Last night was nice. I went to the Rush concert with my brother and some of the fellas. The concert itself kind of left me feeling bored. Rush only played shit off their new album, mostly stuff I've never heard. I'm one of those Rush fans that believes everything after Moving Pictures was shit. You know what you call that type of Rush fan? Not a Rush fan.

So, we left shortly after the intermission (yes, there was an intermission.)

My brother dropped me off at my place around 2215. I went upstairs, laid on the couch, and I finished some of my charting, billing, and documentation for the day. And then... I started getting sleepy. Mind you, I haven't slept in 6 days! Well, not more than two hours in a night. Yesterday I was feeling pretty tore up.

In any event, I started feeling sleepy. I thought, "what the hell?", and I lay down in bed. Within two minutes I was down for the count. I woke up in the dark some time later feeling kind of sad that I didn't sleep the whole night through. I went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and I saw the sun coming up over the Sandias. I had made it! I slept through the night! I don't have any clocks in my place, so I didn't know what time it was. I figured, however, that it was early enough to lay back down for awhile, and guess what... I fell back to sleep. I slept until 0715! I felt blissful. Relaxed. Mellow and excited at the same time.

What a difference!

I'm so glad I slept. I was worrying that I might not ever again.

Almost back

I just got back to Antigua after being in Santa Cruz, Lago Atitlan for the past nine (?) days. I had the best time of my life. Seriously.

When I left Antigua a little more than a week ago, I had no clue where I was headed. On the shuttle, I met a really great German guy, Reinhardt, who has been traveling in the part of the world for the past thirty years. He invited me to tag along with him. Good choice!

Shuttle to a water taxi to a village on the North end of the lake. Santa Cruz is possibly the most beautiful place in the world. At least... the most beautiful place I've ever visited. I just stood there on the terrace of the Hotel scratching my head for several minutes trying to figure out if maybe I was still asleep on the shuttle dreaming.

There is no way I'd ever be able to completely summarize my entire trip here. Last night, the last night on the lake, my friend Ellen (another German who lives in Nicaragua) asked me what was the most important lesson I learned on this trip. I think without a doubt, I had forgotten how to have fun. How to smile and waste time and do nothing and do it slowly.

This was a good trip. I'll post pictures later.

Loving you all...

Terrazo al noche

Today was great. It's my last day in Antigua. I got up, again late, and ate breakfast at the coffee shop around the corner. I went for a long walk and did a little shopping. I got my lovely sister a present, and I bought a couple of shirts for myself.

At the South end of the city, I found a really quaint Italian restaraunt. I had a proscieutto and mozzerala antipasto. The food was really great. I made my way back to my hotel. The courtyard of the main church in town is exploding with pilgrims in town for some sort of pre-Easter procession. I wandered around until it got too hot. I went back to my hotel room for a nap. I watched a movie on my computer, The Heartbreak Kid. Can I just say that the movie completely sucked! I was totally embarased for Ben Stiller. I plan on advising everyone I know to never watch that piece of shit.

When I woke up, it was nearly dinner time. I went back to the main church and there were thousands of people there. Some little kid, maybe four or five, grabbed me by the hand and started giving me a tour. I couldn't understand a single word he said, but he was sure full of personality. He wanted me to show him all of the pictures in my camera, and he wanted me to give him an explanation and story about every single one. He thought it was funny that my son was "so old", and he laughed hysterically at every picture of Jeff Cohen. Go figure!

I went to Gustavo's restaraunt for dinenr again, and I had a really nice conversation with a woman from Ireland. She and I made a committment to one another that we would spend more time traveling and less time working. Her work is similar to mine. She was kind of lovely. I wish she didn't have to run off with her friends so soon. I would have liked to talk to her for a little bit longer. Maybe a lot longer?

I walked back to my hotel and went back to the terrace on the roof. I sat alone for a few minutes when a guy came up and joined me. We struck up a really interesting conversation. He is a retired grain-farmer from Alberta, Canada. He and his wife travel around exploring ancient ruins. He's been to Egypt, Stonehenge, and various Mayan ruins. He would like to come to New Mexico and check out the pueblos some day. He had some really interesting perspectives on US politics.

Nights in Antigua are just gorgeous. Perfect weather. Lots of stars.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Lake Atitlan for a few days. I'm not really feeling much like writing tonight, but I know that I'll forget a good deal of all of this if I don't get it down. So, again forgive my horrible grammar. It is, after all, the thought that counts.

Gnight.